Letters from an Anonymous Friend are written by my really good friend and former college roommate who’d rather keep her identity secret. Today she writes about one of her recent online dating encounters, you know, just in time for Valentine’s Day! (Names have been changed to protect Mr. Heart Throb. Lucky him.)
In August I signed up for one of those meet-the-love-of-your-life-online sites and have been trying to have an intelligent exchange lasting longer than 3-4 messages. Maybe guys aren’t interested in that type of commitment, I don’t know; I mean, sure, exchanging over 4 messages with a girl is asking a lot for a relationship. It must be! Because after 4 exchanges all guys drop off the face of the earth, like they never even existed in the first place, leaving me wondering if they found someone else or if they had to scratch their butt and forgot to come back.
Go figure.
And then…*twitterpated sigh*… came Mr. Heart Throb!!!
Oh baby! Oh baby!
After that stud muffin sent me a flirt, I just had to check out who this man-of-all-men was. Here’s a sneak peak straight from his profile page…
Hi There!
Im: Mr. Heart Throb,
And I Love: Camping, swimming, hiking, and reading, Im LDS and looking to meet fun and cool people! My Fave Movie: Legacy. Food: Subs. So if you like get back to me.
10 Facts About Me:
1, I know the Mysteries of the Universe!
2, I know the History of the Future!
3, I have My own theme song!
4, Is a Vegetarian!
5, Is the reason why Vampires don’t go out into the sunlight!
6, Can translate and interpret the language of: Cats!
7, I am a Man,….. that can cook! 
8, They say George Lucas got the idea for Star Wars from listening to me talk in my sleep!
9, I can swim UP a waterfall!
10, I just made You smile!
Ohhh! He had me at Hi there! Calm yourselves, ladies, please, there’s more where that came from. Read on…
Questions for YOU:
Are you always searching for your greater purpose in life but feel like the world isn’t set up for your kind?
Do you sometimes feel wise beyond your years?
Do you have trouble conforming to the ways of society?
Do you feel out of place in today’s world?
Do you perceive the world very differently than most people around you?
Do you have strong intuition about certain things that most others do not?
Do you often feel misunderstood when you try to talk to people about what’s real?
Are you a truth seeker?
Do you feel like you were born to accomplish a special mission in life?
Are you very creative in the areas of art, music, science and/or technology?
If you can answer yes to many of these questions,
then E-mail Me and let Me know!
And then, just to make sure that anyone even thinking about contacting this hunk-a-burnin’-love was worth his while, he added this incredibly high standard against which us women-folk can measure ourselves.
NOTE: Mandatory Requirements for You to message Me!:
You MUST be: Strong, Intelligent, Enlightened, Illuminated, Indigo, and ready to Adventure in life!
I am: 35 and I am a Professional Husband, looking for an Eternal Companion that can live up to the Gospel Standards!
I’m illuminated! I’m indigo! And goodness knows I’m looking for a “professional husband” who’s cruising the single’s sites!
…Well, after contacting me 3 separate times (without response, mind you), I decided to “enlighten” him on a few points. This is probably very un-Christian-like… but liars go to Hell and I’d rather not burn my butt off for eternity so this fat-head can continue to delude himself. Here’s my response back:
Mr. Heart THROB,
While I appreciate your attempts at contact, I’m gonna let you know that I’m not interested. You’ve now sent me two flirts and a message, and I’ve ignored you until now. Persistence may serve you well in certain areas, but not here. After looking at your profile, I am most definitely not interested.
Your profile comes off as unbelievably narcissistic and the “humor” is comparable to the ridiculous self-promoting, ego-centrically exaggerated ideas of my middle school students. There’s no way I can possibly take it seriously as someone I would want to get to know. (My friends couldn’t believe it when I showed them your profile and, believe me, they weren’t laughing with you; so the opinion isn’t just mine.)
My suggestion, if you really want to meet someone online, is to tone down the comments and “humor” a bit. Do the dating websites a favor and come back down to earth, sound like a normal human being.
P.S. No man should give himself the title of “Professional Husband” on a single’s site unless he’s a lying, cheating married s.o.b.
Believe it or not, I held back… quite a bit. And here’s how Prince Charming replied (the spelling mistakes are his)…
Hi There! There is suh thing as common courtesy, Also, You do NOT meet my NOTE: Mandatory Requirements for You to message Me!: You MUST be: Strong, Intelligent, Enlightened, Illuminated, Indigo, and ready to Adventure in life! To these You are NONE of! I really think that You need to research what it is to BE LDS! Untill then, Your loss, Not mine, Ta!
Believe me, I’m crying no tears into my pillow at night over losing Mr. Heart Throb and this exchange is saved on my hard drive in a file appropriately entitled, “Dumb Ass Exchange.”
