Mother-in-Law Fights on Acid

Friday afternoon I sat at my office desk eating a big bag of circus peanuts trying to counteract my mother-in-law’s dieting advice. Almost from the moment my mother-in-law and her boyfriend stepped foot into my home on Thursday afternoon she took every opportunity to give us advice on how to lose weight…all because she was fretting that she needs to lose one point nine pounds of weight. That’s 1.9 pounds y’all.

I’m a stress eater can you tell?

In fact, what started it all was when my mother-in-law found herself alone in the kitchen with my husband, noticed the twenty-six pounds he’s put on over the last nine years we’ve been married, and then grabbed his stomach and told him how fat he was.

Just in case you wondered, my husband weighs a whopping 146 pounds.

{Truthfully I weigh more than he does, but you can bet she wasn’t about to grab my stomach because I would have jack slapped her to high noon.}

“Look how fat you’ve gotten…wow!” my mother-trucker-in-law exclaimed with a chuckle, obviously making fun of her son.

So I intruded with a “Well that’s because I’m such a good cook. He likes my cooking.”

She remarked, “Well, if you two would eat more alkaline foods and stop eating acidic foods then you could lose weight. You know that acidic foods cause all kinds of problems and diseases for people…diabetes, cancer, neurosis, lethargy, and more.”

Oh my word people–this is why she and I will never get along. Ever.

We spent a couple hours showing my husband’s mother and her boyfriend around town before my kids went from not only fighting in the backseat to complaining that they were starving to death (can you tell that I hate it that my sons’ school feeds them lunch at 10:15 am). So we decided we’d find a restaurant that we could all go to for the evening.

Of course I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy feat, but I never expected what was about to happen.

My mother-in-law: “What kinds of places to you guys have that serve salads and fish? We’d love catfish if there’s a good restaurant around,”

I suggested a couple restaurants that serve fish, to which she found reasons not to like.

Me: “Well how about Tex-Mex or Mexican then?

Her: “No, too acidic.”

Me: “Italian then?”

Her: “Too acidic.”

Me: “Sorry, we just don’t go out to eat very often because of the boys. If we do go out it’s McDonald’s.”

Her: “Oh! That’s the worst food there is! That’ll make you fat right quick!”

Me in my head: Yah, but it makes the kids shut-up and it’s cheap.

Her: “How about Chinese? Do you guys have a good Chinese buffet around here?”

My husband: “Well we have one off of Main Street…”

Me: “But I don’t know if it’s acidic or not.”

Her: “Well let’s go there then.”

So we went to the Chinese Buffet and ate to our hearts content. I’m the only one who ordered something besides water to drink (a Dr Pepper thank you), and I am also the only one who ate five of these things:

After much gagging that is. After the first one, the rest were easy.

My husband and I just made sure to point out the Weight Watchers right next to the Chinese Buffet afterward. Well because it was funny and passive aggressive all at the same time.

Take that mother trucker.